well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
