i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
