cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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