Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
