I murdered the dance floor call the cops
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
