nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
