she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
