I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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