Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
