I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
