why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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