when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
