I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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