Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
