i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
