When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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