if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
