I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
