my phone needs a breathalizer
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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