Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I need moral support for this bender
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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