Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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