I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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