You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
