I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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