Your tits are I can't wait for
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
