so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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