That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Someone shattered a urinal.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
