YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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