I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
