does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
