Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You ruined the universe
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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