Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
