The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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