Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
