I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
