so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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