we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
