I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
