You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
