I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
