I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point đź’ś
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
