Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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