If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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