Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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