Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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