btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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