even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I think i got beer on your cat.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
