My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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