So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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