You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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