i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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