...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Randomize
