I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
